Eight days, tears and frozen action, wandering blearily full of doubt and panic, the wait in front not even noticed.Seven days, thought, and lots of it. Doubt still creeping where now it was not wanted, decision slowly forming, noticing the wait ahead, daunting as it is.

Six days, decisions made, mind unsettled but certain, the wait heavy, friends support sought, found but not taken.

Five days, numb, waiting.

Four, numb, waiting, nervous

Three, numb, waiting, scared

Two, a picture of you, tears, more wandering, lost more than before, the wait slips away then quickly returns, heavier than before, mind made up. Now I know.

One day, a friends belief, faith, tears, happier now, but still, still bitter on my cheeks, terrified, what if we dont agree.

Less than a day now, waiting, hours feel like hours, minutes become days.

My stomach revolts against me, not long now.


Still waiting.



I dont know what to do. I used to sit up at these hours just to keep seeing you.

I dont want to stop loving you, but its what you want. Need?   

I dont know…. how to do what you want.

I dont want to believe youve given up.


Is there still a chance, am I just being me? Im scared of drowning in hope, but if I stop hoping, what then….

I guess I lose you.

Help me.

Fuck sake, I want you to smile like you do in my head. 

But me loving you is making you, not happy.

Why wont you let me change that.

I dont know how to not love you, not easily. 

I wish you would trust me, even if I am wrong.

Do what you want….. Do you want?

Im terrified im the only one if us who wants this to work.

What do you want.

What do you need.
Im scared.
I love you



I long for explosions, and outburst and shouting and screaming, for action and misjudgement and energy. I fear the quiet, the lost thoughts and words never spoken. An end, sharp and brutal is more appealing than a single tone filtering off to eventual nothingness. A sense of staleness and routine can too easily envelope people, leaving nothing but empty spaces and nothing to fill them with. Give me a Crescendo over a fade out anyday.