So its been a long week, And I don’t know who I am, what to do, you get the feeling.
I can’t afford food, and I’m terrified of losing the entire life I’ve built for myself. I’m a few weeks of negative replies and pressure from my parents from slipping beyond step one… basically I’m about a month away from letting four years of my life mean literally nothing. My entire recent history, even before I left home, has been built on leaving home. I love my family, but I hate the town I’m from, its stifling, If you ever want to feel lost, just become another worker toiling away into mediocrity, go visit my home town… I live in the city surronded by towers of concrete and my small town manages to be greyer….
I also found something that made me hate the girl I’ve been struggling to get over. One page of a5 writing made me realise that I no longer know the woman I used to love. I understand that this, ending such a long relationship, it changes people, but im starting to not like who she’s changing into… what she believes is independence and some kind of personal growth, to the people in her life just comes across as stubborn and arrogant. I think the biggest thing was she blamed the problems she has with me and my friends on me, like I’m some kind of fuel for the way my friends are around her, which is nothing but nice. She feels stifled by our friendship, something we’ve all always prided ourself on, her new found independence and self worth is killing the bonds the rest of us have been trying so hard to keep alive during these huge events in our lives, and to know that one of the three people I trusted to always be there is trying to loosen that, purely because she needs to find her own self worth (something she always claimed was my fault not hers) makes me quite angry. She took a lot from me when she decided she was done with us, she doesn’t get to take this. Its not happening.
Also I met someone new… I like her, but I don’t know what that actually means. Maybe I’m too focused on the past, or I’m focusing too hard on the future, but I don’t know my own feelings. It used to be so easy for me to sum up what someone meant to me, but now, I’m not sure. I enjoy her company, I like her friends, and I don’t know what we are or where we’re going. But for now, I genuinely think I am okay with this, I’m happy with the new-ness of it all. The new people, this new… relationship, it helps, its slowly becoming the good things I need right now, but that’s also scary, as it’s now something else I could lose, if the pull of my home town wins.
I am not gonna let it win.